I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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