when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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