Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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