Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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