god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
