You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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