His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
