Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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