Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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