I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
