my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I fill condoms, not promises.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
