Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
