i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
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