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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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