how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
