soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
