Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
