Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
