So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
