Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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