1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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