Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
