in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
