Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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