We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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