My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
