I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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