I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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