you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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