??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
