Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
