hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
