threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
