Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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