I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
its not stalking. its research.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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