Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
