My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
