If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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