I have demons in me.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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