I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
