Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
