Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
