I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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