I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
