I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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