Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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