She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
