Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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