70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
