Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
