Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
